I woke up at 11:15am, completely astounded that I had slept so long and so well. I was so SURE that I would go into labor in the early hours of the morning. Which would have been good for my sister, since she had been telling Cora to be born on her birthday pretty much since she found out I was pregnant. But...I hadn't gone into labor. Very disappointed, I got up and took a shower after I called Adrienne and said "Happy birthday, I'm not at the hospital."
It was there that I realized it. Cora always went crazy with movement when the hot water hit my belly. And she didn't. Not a stretch or twitch. I bruised my belly poking at it to get her to move. And then I broke down sobbing, on all fours, water running over me. I finally convinced myself that I was probably just freaking out, and got out, and got dressed. I walked into my bedroom, and my husband had been up for a while, already showered, just letting me sleep. I told him I couldn't get Cora to move. He seemed slightly worried but agreed with me when I said that I was probably just freaking out. I think I was HOPING it was all in my head.
After trying EVERYTHING I could to get her to move (including a tall, cold glass of koolaid, which always got a reaction in mere minutes, but didn't this time), I called my Doctor's office. And they were on their lunch hour.
So we went up to campus to turn in the paperwork Matt needed to turn in. And I had no contractions, which was strange. I had been getting contractions just from moving for the past couple of days, and I was walking uphill and up stairs and nothing. The ladies in the office asked me when I was due, I said May 14. They said "any moment now!" and were so excited. I didn't tell them. It broke my heart, because I STILL hadn't felt her move. Each moment that went by...I knew. But I still hoped I was wrong.
I called the office again, and got ahold of a nurse. She listed off all the things I should to to get movement, and I was nearly screaming at her, telling her I could GET her to move. I'd tried everything. "Yes, I've tried that. Yes, I've tried that. Listen, I CANNOT GET HER TO MOVE." She told me to come in and they'd check me out.
I sat in the waiting room for what seemed like forever. I don't even know how long it was. I chatted with the lady sitting next to me, who was waiting for her "big" ultrasound. She was so excited and happy, and I tried to be. How do you tell someone "yes, well, I'm here because I can't get my baby to move and I think something's terribly wrong." So I just chatted with her, turning off my brain.
They called me back. Dr. Barton used the doppler first and after a few minutes of not finding anything (and saying "I'd be a miracle worker if I found the heartbeat EVERY time with that thing.." trying not to worry me, although I could see the worry on his face), he turned on the ultrasound machine.
"There's her heart, and it's not beating."
I think I screamed. I don't remember, but I remember telling him that it was a cruel joke and he shouldn't be so mean to his patients. But he had tears in his eyes.
The rest of the day is a blur. Dr. Barton prescribed a sleep aid and I went to Walmart to get it filled, and the lady I had chatted with in the reception area was there. She saw my tears, and I saw that questioning look on her face, and I turned away and walked away as fast as I could. I didn't want to tell her. But my husband worked at Walmart, and we had to tell his manager that he wouldn't be in the next day. His manager gave him the rest of the week off with bereavement pay for the days he was scheduled. We went and told mine that I wouldn't be either. Tuesday had been my last scheduled day anyway.
And then we went home. Our bishop came and visited with us, which was comforting. Some friends brought us dinner. I laid on my couch and cried.
Horrible visions of what she would look like went through my head. I hated my belly, something I had loved so much before. Every time I bumped it or touched it, it reminded me of what I DIDN'T have anymore. I'm thankful for the sleep aid, because I didn't have dreams that night. I'm not sure I would have slept otherwise.
It was there that I realized it. Cora always went crazy with movement when the hot water hit my belly. And she didn't. Not a stretch or twitch. I bruised my belly poking at it to get her to move. And then I broke down sobbing, on all fours, water running over me. I finally convinced myself that I was probably just freaking out, and got out, and got dressed. I walked into my bedroom, and my husband had been up for a while, already showered, just letting me sleep. I told him I couldn't get Cora to move. He seemed slightly worried but agreed with me when I said that I was probably just freaking out. I think I was HOPING it was all in my head.
After trying EVERYTHING I could to get her to move (including a tall, cold glass of koolaid, which always got a reaction in mere minutes, but didn't this time), I called my Doctor's office. And they were on their lunch hour.
So we went up to campus to turn in the paperwork Matt needed to turn in. And I had no contractions, which was strange. I had been getting contractions just from moving for the past couple of days, and I was walking uphill and up stairs and nothing. The ladies in the office asked me when I was due, I said May 14. They said "any moment now!" and were so excited. I didn't tell them. It broke my heart, because I STILL hadn't felt her move. Each moment that went by...I knew. But I still hoped I was wrong.
I called the office again, and got ahold of a nurse. She listed off all the things I should to to get movement, and I was nearly screaming at her, telling her I could GET her to move. I'd tried everything. "Yes, I've tried that. Yes, I've tried that. Listen, I CANNOT GET HER TO MOVE." She told me to come in and they'd check me out.
I sat in the waiting room for what seemed like forever. I don't even know how long it was. I chatted with the lady sitting next to me, who was waiting for her "big" ultrasound. She was so excited and happy, and I tried to be. How do you tell someone "yes, well, I'm here because I can't get my baby to move and I think something's terribly wrong." So I just chatted with her, turning off my brain.
They called me back. Dr. Barton used the doppler first and after a few minutes of not finding anything (and saying "I'd be a miracle worker if I found the heartbeat EVERY time with that thing.." trying not to worry me, although I could see the worry on his face), he turned on the ultrasound machine.
"There's her heart, and it's not beating."
I think I screamed. I don't remember, but I remember telling him that it was a cruel joke and he shouldn't be so mean to his patients. But he had tears in his eyes.
The rest of the day is a blur. Dr. Barton prescribed a sleep aid and I went to Walmart to get it filled, and the lady I had chatted with in the reception area was there. She saw my tears, and I saw that questioning look on her face, and I turned away and walked away as fast as I could. I didn't want to tell her. But my husband worked at Walmart, and we had to tell his manager that he wouldn't be in the next day. His manager gave him the rest of the week off with bereavement pay for the days he was scheduled. We went and told mine that I wouldn't be either. Tuesday had been my last scheduled day anyway.
And then we went home. Our bishop came and visited with us, which was comforting. Some friends brought us dinner. I laid on my couch and cried.
Horrible visions of what she would look like went through my head. I hated my belly, something I had loved so much before. Every time I bumped it or touched it, it reminded me of what I DIDN'T have anymore. I'm thankful for the sleep aid, because I didn't have dreams that night. I'm not sure I would have slept otherwise.
5 comments:
I never knew this story. Britt, you are an amazing woman. What a trial. And yet you had the strength to try again and now you have a little sister for Cora to play with some day. :) All my love to you.
(My email address is bcdexter852gmail.com)
(Sorry. Correction: bcdexter85@gmail.com)
Hello, this is Resa over on Shejidan.
I tried writing earlier, but the last user on the computer hadn't logged off of Blogger. So I went and signed up so that I could speak as myself.
I just wanted to say, that I read your post over on Shejidan, then found your journal and came here.
I read your entry out loud here at the house, and both my cousin and I wept.
I don't know what words of comfort I can say on this anniversary, but know that you and yours are in my thoughts this evening.
I'm glad that you shared this story. I'm glad that I could help you if just a tiny bit through that time. I'm glad that you had the faith to have another baby and I'm glad to know that one day you will get to raise your sweet Cora. Love, Amber
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